Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
