I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
