and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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