I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I pour the whiskey from now on
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
