Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
