i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
