We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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