woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
