I'm really into asian looking animals
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
