I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it was like eating out sand paper
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
