My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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