I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
