So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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