At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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