Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
