My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
