I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
