Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I accidentally had phone sex last night
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
