I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
