I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
