I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
