I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
