i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
