I think i peed on brittanys purse
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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