she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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