This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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