..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
