Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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