A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
