Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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