just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
