I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
