woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
