you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
