I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
