It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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