Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
a search helicopter?!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
