Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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