I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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