So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
