i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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