There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
