Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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