update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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