i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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