i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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