So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
