There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
