Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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