They should really pass out barf bags in church
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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