Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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